“A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, and man cannot live without love.”
I know that I make people confront parts of themselves they are not comfortable with. I also know that this can cause people to either become attached to me or want to run as far away as possible because everyone pretends in this life. They pretend to be confident, they pretend to love, they pretend to be interested, they pretend to be this or that, and they pretend to buy into whatever society has created for them. So it takes bravery to look into my eyes and see utter honesty staring back, it scares a lot of people away. If you are one who ran away, I want you to know you can always come back. If you are one who has stayed, I want you to know how important you are to me. If you are someone who doesn’t yet know me, I encourage you to change that.
You see I was born without an ego. According to Freud’s structural model the ego is the organized part that mediates that of the id and the super-ego. The super-ego is a critical and moral role and the id is instinct. My mind has always been my consciousness. I have never had a protective mechanism, the one that others have to shield themselves from this world. I have never had the voice that said “pretend to be like her and they will befriend you.” I do not have the mindset of “do what everyone else is doing to make friends.” Instead, I have a blank page. I have the infamous “drink tea and write a lot, and mostly hang out with your boyfriend on the weekends.” And to be honest, I love it.
When I’m hurt it shows, you will see blood pouring from my heart. When I’m embarrassed it glows, my face as hot as the sun and my eyes darting with fear. When I’m nervous you will know, my palms get sweaty and my legs shake. When I’m happy it shows because my laughter will echo in your ears. Normal people do not like that type of emotion because it’s too real. But it is time to face reality- I am not anywhere near normal.
There are times I try to explain to people that I feel like I do not belong in this body of a 20 year old girl. 20 year old woman? I don’t know. I want to skip the years of “drunken fun” and “party phases” and I want responsibilities. I want a family and a job. I want a house and a dog and a backyard with a tire swing. But, I do not wish away my life. I do not wish away who I am now. I love spending weekends with my family and visiting far away friends. I like being mature enough to handle a long-distance relationship with my best friend. I also like having a job and being in school because school is what I am good at.
So thank you for seeing me and understanding who I am and supporting who I am becoming. I searched and searched for understanding and never found it until you. You are a remarkable human with a beautiful soul. And I want you to know with all of my heart, that I will always want you to be happy and live a life of love. Always remember darling, be happy. And on the days you aren’t I promise I will love you anyway.