I have this app on my phone called “Time Hop” it basically just shows me what I posted on my different social medias on that particular day in years past. Two years ago today, I was one day into school and I wanted to go home. I lasted the full year at my first University, but that’s just it… I lasted. I am on my second year at my new school and it still feels like a new school, but I am in a much better state in my life.
Apparently, in 2013 I wasn’t ready to be away from home, from familiarity, from my family, from my world I had lived in for 18 years and it wasn’t until I got all moved into my tiny dorm room on the second floor, that I came to the realization that I wasn’t ready. I cried all day. During orientation, I held my mom’s hand and cried. My roommate was on a sports team, so I barely got to know her for the first two months and usually your first roommate is your first friend, and I felt friendless so I cried. I cried in the shower thinking of going to class. I cried at the thought of my family living their lives without me. But most importantly I cried because my life was moving forward and I wanted it to stand still.
Though I made some amazing friends at my first university, I truly believe that I wasn’t supposed to be there any more than the time I had been. If I would have stayed friendships would be easier to maintain and dating my boyfriend who lives in that state would be a lot easier too, but I would still have many other battles to fight and conquer, and nobody can do that if they feel alone. And that is exactly the feeling that comes to my mind when I think of my freshman year. I think of a lot of early nights in bed, a lot of late nights in the library, and a lot of phone calls and face times of me crying. Luckily, I have conquered and faced the battles I needed to and I am ready to move forward at the same pace of my life. Actually, lately, it seems like I am one step ahead of where life wants me to be, but that is okay.
The past two years have been both the best and the worst years of my life. I have grown so much. I have climbed mountains that I had no idea would grow in the middle of my path. I have swimmer through oceans that were not on my map. But luckily, my parents gave me a key, a key to every door that I would need to open. Though I never knew or will know what lies behind these doors, I know that I am meant to open them; some to walk through some to stay in.
I will never stop pushing myself to become better, stronger, happier, and more of who I really am, rather than who everyone thinks I should be. I am now in a place of comfort. My seeds have been spread in a variety of places but my roots are starting to sink into the ground and with that, will come strength and dignity. I have my dog, my parents, my boyfriend, my closet full of clothes, and my friends (both near and far). Looking behind me I see mountains and oceans but looking in front of me I see nothing but clear paths and bridges.
So, here’s to finding your way. Your own way. Here’s to taking that map everyone gets when they graduate high school and drawing a red line across it because you are not taking the way of everyone else. Here is to taking uncharted paths. Here is to having anxiety and being able to grip it on the shoulders and say to it that it will never defeat you. Here is to always wanting to grow and improve. Here is to never giving up on becoming the person that you wanted to be when you were little. Here is to never giving in to what other people expect of you. Here is to growing but never changing who you are.