Hello old friends, remember me?
I know it has been a while and to be frank. I have no excuse. Well, no valid excuse anyway. I recently had to delete my beloved “time hop” app because of the pain it has brought me. Pain? No. Grief is more like it. What would a Kelly Anne blog post be with out a F. Scott Fitzgerald quote?
“Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.”
So far 2016 has been messy. It has filled my life with heartbreak, death, confusion, and utter hopelessness. I’ve been hurting. I’ve grieved. I’ve cried. I’ve screamed. I have gone through every emotion noted to mankind, and I have done it again. But, I am still loved. I am loved by my cousins who remind me what happiness I have always had inside of me. I am loved by my friends who remind me of who I really am. I am loved by my parents who want nothing more than to have me smiling that infamous Kelly smile. I am loved my dog, who has the most unconditional love for me. But, most importantly, when I look in the mirror I am still loved. That my friends, is what makes it all worth it.
I always find myself back here. Back at the end of the cycle. The cycle of pain -> happiness -> confusion -> hope –>pain. Repeat. When I am lost I write. I have words spilling and oozing from every corner of this broken heart. But, here I am. I am doing it. I’m not fighting, I don’t feel brave. But, I am surviving. Growth is something that is seen as good.
Sometimes things are not okay. Pain is real and it is raw. Nobody wants to deal with it, so what do we do? We hide. Out of pain creates joy. My name is Kelly. And this is me telling you that I have fallen asleep with makeup still on my face. I have cried for what has felt like days. I have written this post and then deleted it, so that nobody can have the satisfaction of hurting me. I am scared. I hate not having my way. I hate that some days I can’t bring a smile across my face. I hate that apologies don’t really mean anything to me because words are just words. I hate that I’m a hypocrite because I love words and they aren’t just words. I hate those last two sentences I just wrote. But I am Kelly. And my life can be messy too. No one told me that at 21 years old, breathing was something I would have to remind myself to do.
I am not writing this to have attention. I am not writing this to point fingers of hate. I am writing this because this, this is what I do best. I’m a girl searching for hope. Hope is more important than my pride (which I lack). I am learning that growth can sometimes mean digging up old roots and replacing soil. Just like when spring comes and my mom has to sometimes restart her beautiful garden. Maybe it is time for me to make room for wonderful things to perish.
I wish I had all the right things to say. I wish I could tell you everything is going to be alright. I really wish that everyone who has been giving me words of wisdom even made the slightest repair on my shredded paper heart. But you know what? Sometimes everything really isn’t alright. And I can admit that. Life sucks sometimes. But once you admit that pain is present and everything sucks, you just can’t stay there. And you cannot put the key to YOUR happiness in the pocket of somebody else. You have to make the decision, as many times as it takes, to look pain straight in the eye and poke it in the chest. Poke it in the chest you ask? Yeah! Just mean mug it and give it a poke! Pain will not scare you away. Pain will not end who you have become.
Just remember, hope is on the way. Love is around the corner. Happiness is knocking at your door.